“Time for everything/Time to reflect on me”

— Aldo Kraas.

I don’t feel in control of my life enough to make this a reality. I don’t feel I can make time to reflect on myself, and things which take place in my life. When I find some respite in order to try and compose a few words regarding my feelings, or simply a description of events, too much time has elapsed and I can’t capture the moment.

Take this weekend. I had a big argument with my Helen, and it seemed to kick off about nothing (always a sure sign of deeply embedded issues & possible resentments), but I couldn’t take stock. As brilliant playwright Peter Handke once wrote: “Write your way out of everything”, but I couldn’t do it. So I had to bury my thoughts, which caused my feelings to take over and send me crazy. Collapsing to the ground, rushing around needing to get away (in the end I bolted and legged it for a tram and train outta there). Not good…

I think I stop keeping diaries for this reason. Too much time passes by, feelings grow stale and eventually it feels pointless to me to continue logging half–arsed attempts at a journal. Pah.

Currently reading: Colonialism/Postcolonialism by Ania Loomba. A well–written introduction to, and account of, colonialism and postcolonialism, their relevance in today’s world, and issues related to these (sexuality, racial divisions, capitalism, globalisation). I’ve only read a few pages, but it does read very clearly.

Alongside this, ‘lighter’ reading I suppose you could call it, I have picked up The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. I’ve never read it before. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even seen any filmic renditions of it — only the cartoon show Dogtanian & The Three Muskehounds as a child. All together now: “One for all and all for one, Muskehounds are always ready…”

I shall post thoughts on these books as I make further headway.